Zen's Craptastic Misadventures

I don't know about you guys but I preferred the look of the classic, smarmy, ambiguously fobby duo on IndianDating to their current toothy ABCD counterparts below. Anyway, I used to be pretty active on the IndianDating scene. And by active I mean, I met a lot of people - some who are still my friends (shout out to fellow blogger Justin, who has yet to, well blog), some who I had "fun" meeting a few times (shame shame!) and some who were destined to end up immortalized on this blog, to wit:

Metrosexual on acid
"I have a great idea! Let's go for his and her facials on our second date!"

Considering women outlive men, he was really pushing the envelope at 28
"You're 30?! Damn! You've got one foot in the grave!"

On Dating against type
"I once asked out a girl whose thigh was thicker than your whole body!"

"I like tall girls with big butts."

Insensitivity towards vegetarians (both from Indians who were raised vegetarian no less)
"I would chase a cow around with a fork if I could!"

"So what do you eat? Like grass and stuff?"

Oversensitivity towards animals
Guy: "I love dogs. What about you?"
Me: "No, not really. I don't like pets."
Guy: (Indignantly) "Well pets don't like you either!"

Unbridled honesty (After 3 dates)
Me: "So what's going on, what did you do last night?"
Doofus: "I went on a really bad date. I wish I had seen you instead."

Apparently they like the taste of their shoes
Guy1: "People who drive Mercedes and BMWs only buy them for their status, they're really not better cars you know. What do you drive anyway?"
Me: "A Mercedes."

Guy2: "Did you ever notice how all Gujaratis are pharmacists? They have no creativity when it comes to choosing a profession. What does your dad do anyway?"
Me: "He's a pharmacist."

Guy3: "Jersey sucks! What a bunch of morons! Where are you from again?"
(you know the drill)

Talk about being in touch with what a woman really wants
"I only have 3% body fat."

Said the guy sporting a big ol' 1 pack (ok 2 at the most)
"You have a gut!"

In serious need of a reality check
He: "Did you know that the average American family gets by on $28,000 a year? Do you think you could live on that someday?
Me: "That may be fine in the corn fields of Iowa but it takes a little more than to live comfortably in the NY area."
He: "You must be some kind of gold digger!"

In serious need of an unreality check
"Marriage is all about waking up next to the same person everyday and doing laundry. It's the next level in life and I'm ready for it."

Inappropriate incestuous feelings
"My mother was a beautiful woman when she was young. You remind me of my mother."

"If I had a daughter, I'd have her dance for me for hours."

Who says men aren't honest? (on the steps of St. Patrick's Cathedral around the holidays)
Him: "So what do you think? Do you think we have any potential?"
Me: "Honestly? No."
Him: "Me neither. See ya."

Upon seeing me in my sparkly top, rhinestone belt and black pants (he showed up unshaven with tattered shorts and dirty sneakers on our first date)
"Oh I didn't realize this was a formal occasion."

Nice girls finish last
"I think you're really sweet and caring but I prefer bitchy girls."

Apparently he did not consider modesty a virtue
Narcissus: "I am the future of Indian medicine! I'm a good looking guy now and when I'm 40, I have no problem getting plastic surgery so I can continue to be good looking!"

At the end of a pleasant first and ultimately last date
"So what do you think? Do you think we could work something out here? Should I contact my parents?"

It's a wonder he could walk upright
Me: "I've been getting into a lot of independent and foreign films lately."
Knuckle dragger: "I like movies where they blow things up."

Paging Dr. Gupta...
Me: "I tried reaching you at the hospital today but they said you didn't work there."
?: "Oh I really should've told you on our last date but my name isn't Rahul Gupta. I just made up a name in case you turned out to be an internet weirdo."

Girls are supposed to have safety nets, not the other way around! (10 minutes into our dinner date)
His cell phone: *ring ring*
Him: "No man, it's cool, thanks anyway."

Inappropriate gloating after charging our first (and last) meal
"Wow, I'm going to get a lot of Sheraton points for this!"

Trying too hard and unable to take hints
EagerBeaver: "I'm willing to give 110% to our relationship."
Me: "Don't bother, I'll probably just cheat on you."
EagerBeaver: "That's a chance I'm willing to take."

Said with his head on my pillow, no less!
"When I used to live in Hoboken, I'd get so pissed that the hot white girls wouldn't give me the time of day."

Unable to take constructive criticism (keep in mind, he was hairier than most cats)
Me: "You know, I think you'd look really good if you just fixed your eyebrows so that you have two distinct ones."
Unibrow: "Well I think you wear too much eye shadow and need a boob job!"

Man with a plan
"If we got married, how many children would you like to have and who would do the dishes?"

Inappropriate male bonding
Him: "My roommate and I hung up that photo in our family room."
Me: "Family room??? Who carried who over the threshold?"

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for...
Him: "I had it all, a place in the city, a six figure job at (insert golden company of the quarter here) but I still wasn't happy with my life. I took time off, I painted in Italy, took bongo lessons in Havana, anything for personal fulfillment and inspiration for my novel."
Me: "That's great, can I read what you've done?"
Him: "Well I haven't actually written much so far."

My all-time personal favorite
DesiHipster: "I am looking for a slightly different profile -- don't mind me, I'm just an odd duck. I tend to get along well with literary, writer types... which are rare. there are usually several hints to that effect in their profile, whether the book list (obvious), the length and style of writing (oooh, delicious), the trying-hard-to-be-artsy photo in sepia with sever dutch-architect rectangular glasses, or the hipper-than-thou-but-struggling locales (w'burg, park slope...) that's just a stereotype, of course. Take care."

I'm sure there are more but I just can't think of any at the moment. I'll update the post if I remember any later, lest I waste my entire Sunday afternoon on this. Having said all that, I'm now accepting applications from potential dates. Interested? Know anyone that might be? Whatever the next date says or does, he can't possibly top anything I've already heard!